I think one of my biggest fears has always been the fear of being insignificant, of feeling that I wouldn’t leave a mark on the world, or that the world would be better off without me (Ooooo, dark thought. No worries). But around the time I graduated college, I went through what I now refer to as “the dark ages” where my life pretty much seemed like it was falling apart- and while I documented some of that on the blog, it was probably a more sanitized version of my life (because social media is fake and we all act like we have it all together when everything falls apart). Then, I got married (super quick- we dated for a month, were engaged for four), moved away from home, and had a beautiful baby girl a week before our first wedding anniversary. Life got busy and crazy and the idea of journaling or blogging…didn’t seem like what I wanted to do. So I didn’t. That's the reason there's like two blog post on here.
Let's catch up, okay?
I’ve been married almost ten years now. We moved again- this time to Texas.
My husband deployed. It was in the midst of a stressful season of parenting Cakes. We were about to start ABA therapy for the second time. The first time (I think my first post here was one that) didn't really work out. But at this point, she was seven and we were dealing with some behaviors that had us stumped at what to do next and ABA was really our only option due to “noncompliance.” But, I really didn’t want to because I have concerns about ABA (I’ll share those another time). Due to the deployment, we relocated for six months and did not pursue therapies. But, I read a couple books about girls with autism. The first I read was Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. It changed my life. As I read it, I realized that I was reading a book that was not just about my daughter- it was about me. It explained my life, my universe…my everything really. It explained why things had seemed so hard. It explained why I didn’t get the jokes and the sarcasm. I started to realize that it’s not that everybody hates me and is annoyed by me- it’s that I can understand facial expressions and nonverbal communication the same way everyone else can. Suddenly it makes sense. I’m not broken. I’m just autistic.
Realizing my own neurodivergence has changed the way I approach my daughter’s autism diagnosis. It’s changed the way we parent. It’s helped my marriage (when two autistics get married- there’s gonna be communication problems). Embracing my neurodivergence has changed the way we homeschool. I look back and I think “it all makes sense now!” My hope for my daughters is that they will grow up knowing and won’t have to wonder why things are so hard. Life is hard. It’s not fair. But, we can find a way though the hard- together. We try to embrace our quirks and we make our quirks work for the good. It doesn’t always work. Some days (most days) are long, hard, and tiring. But a common theme prevails. Life is hard, it doesn’t seem fair, but we can do it together.
So yeah- life is hard. Sometimes I’d rather not share the hard with the world. But maybe the difference I’m called to make in the world is to show our hard- the good and the bad. Maybe I’m not called to be the picture perfect influencer. Maybe I’m just meant to share our everyday life and what’s percolating around in my brain to get it out.
There’s hard days and good days. Most days are a mix of the two. In the midst of it all, may the glory of God be shown in the story. In the end- He wins.
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